It’s been a really hard week. I’m fighting ghosts in my own head. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep. I look at myself in the mirror and look mostly normal, and it doesn’t seem to match up with how I feel inside.
It takes a lot of energy to focus and keep things in perspective. If I don’t concentrate, everything is too hard; if anyone asks me to do anything it makes me feel like they’re asking me to climb Everest and I feel stressed and upset about it. Unfortunately, when you’ve been on holidays for a week, your email inbox is basically nothing but people asking you to do things, lots of little things that just pile up and up. If I was well, none of these things would be problematic. I would just add them to the list and get them done. But because I’m not well at the moment, I just feel this rising tide of panic. Bad timing to have a low mood with a long list of things to do.
Last night I made it to growth group. It was a rich blessing to be with my brothers and sisters in Christ and to be prayed for and to study God’s word. It was like walking through waist high mud to get there though.
Today I went to a cafe to work and I answered emails. I went to the bank, went to Medicare. That’s been about the total of all I can manage.
I hate feeling weak. But it’s just how it is right now.