I know I sound like a broken record, going on all the time about how tired I am. But I’m really tired. It seems unfair, really, given that it’s only the beginning of the year and I’ve recently had time off.
I’m very blessed to be working with people who understand and who urge me to take it slow. I do still feel guilty when I have to work at home, even though it’s perfectly legitimate! Maybe it just doesn’t feel like I’m working as hard when I’m lying on the couch with my laptop as opposed to sitting up at a desk, even if I’m doing the exact same work. But anyway, I’m glad they understand that sometimes I just can’t drive to the office.
Tuesday was a bit scary. I had to go up to Cooranbong to man the SU resources table at a conference. It’s only one hour and 45 mins drive from home, not a big deal at all. I left at 6:30am, had to pull over at Berowra for 10 mins and then again at the F3 Maccas. I intended to just stretch my legs, but I didn’t even get out of the car. Next thing I knew, I was waking up 20 minutes later. The rest of the day just felt like stumbling through a fog. I was supposed to drive up again yesterday and just couldn’t do it. Thankfully the world didn’t end, everyone understood, and I slept half the day.
I’m going to reinstitute the one-thing-per-day rule again. Maybe just for a while. I still hate that my body doesn’t let me pack a day and night full of activity. I say yes to things, because there are so many wonderful things to say yes to. So it’s not even like I’m trying to wriggle out of commitments that I don’t want to fulfill. I can’t even do the things I want to do sometimes, which is disappointing.
So this weekend is the Australia Day long weekend. I realised I was quite pleased because it meant there was no Big Thing to do at church as there is on Christmas and Easter holidays! But that doesn’t mean it’s going to be quiet. I’m going to see Neil Gaiman tomorrow night after work, the Secret River on Saturday, church (incl music) on Sunday, Rog’s 50th birthday (incl music) on Monday. All great things and none especially taxing. Yet it starts adding up…
I was supposed to see the Hobbit with Karen on Saturday too, and go to dinner at George’s on Monday, both wonderful things…and yet I started to feel panicky thinking about a weekend with something on most days and nights. Sadly I declined the movie and probably dinner too, sad to not spend time with my girlfriends, but knowing they understand (indeed, they are ones who counsel me to say no to things and rest more often!). But actually, I’m seeing Neil with Karen (and Guan), and the Secret River with George (and mum) so I won’t be missing out on them altogether! But it’s hard to say no to good things, especially when you feel like it’s for no good reason (even though of course looking after yourself is a very good reason).
I said to T at work that there must be people in the world who wake up in the morning feeling good and look forward to what the day has in store. She said, almost apologetically, “I do.” I would just love to wake up, full of energy and without being distracted by how I physically feel. But I guess God has made me this way for a reason, and I know he is glorifying himself through me by changing me and teaching me to persevere. Like a zombie.
Zombies are very persistent!