I’ve been trying to write down in my notebook how I am feeling at the moment, just to try and untangle the mess of unhelpful thoughts bashing against each other in my head. I haven’t come up with much, just long lists of things.
I thought I’d try and set goals, because apparently that helps you achieve things in life. But the problem is I’m finding it really hard to actually define anything I want to aim for. I’m thinking this is the depression cloud fogging up my vision, because really there are so many things I could do. But I start to think about anything beyond next week, and it’s just blank. I feel like Sara in the Labyrinth, running along the wall outside, unable to see the entrances that are right in front of her and starting to panic.
The only goal I’ve had any success with so far is losing weight. I aimed to lose at least 5kgs between October and December, and I lost 7.5. Which is great! I have to keep remembering that this is great.
But work…what do I want to do? Get money. How do I want to do that? I. Don’t. Know.
Living…where do I want to live? Here. I don’t want to move. My friends are here. My church is here. We have space and a yard and a spare room. But we can’t afford to live here. So where do I look? I. Don’t. Know.
I started asking, well, what’s the point? And I know what the point is. My point of being here is to glorify God. In my life, in my speech, in my thoughts, in everything. And he has never failed to provide for me. I trust him.
I’m trying to be still, and meditate on that. But keeping the panic at bay and not crying and not despairing and not descending into a spiral of “what a mess of a life you’ve made” is really quite hard.
God, give me strength!